Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher: From Bro to Schmo

If you have seen the first part of the American Pie trilogy, notice I would never count the straight-to-dvd knock offs that were made, which only Eugene Levy stayed around to be in,

Way to stick around for the knockoffs Eugene

then you know who the biggest bro of the bunch was… at least for the beginning of the first movie: Oz. He was the star on the lacrosse team, along with fellow bro Stifler, and he had dece flow, and a ton of broads on him at all times. And his fashion sense was there if you pay attention throughout the movie:

Bro. Reppin school colors... number 23 though? A tad bit dusty

He was seen as a leader of his group of friends, mainly because he was simply the man. He was the nice guy that wasn’t afraid to tell it how it is when times got too hectic throughout the clique, and each set of bro’s knows who that guy is in their crew. But then things started to change… He met a girl.

Don’t get me wrong here, us bros love the ladies, but this choir singing, red headed, pale broad legitimately sucked the life out of Oz and absolutely threw away any bro cred he had worked his whole life to earn. HE LEAVES HIS FINAL LACROSSE GAME to go sing in a damn choir concert, in which he had to switch out of a pinny and mid calfs in exchange for a goofy shirt and pants that don’t match. Makes me sick. All for the girl that looks like she could be the broad in the video in The Ring. What the hell Oz? You’re dead in 7 days.

As the movie progresses, you can actually see Oz’s broness wither away, and for those of us that still held our cred to the highest of our abilities, it hurt to watch this happen.

Eugene Levy was too busy spending his time on either teaching his son Jim how to impress Nadia, or whether or not he should go for a band nerd of his own. What he should have been doing is enrolling Oz in bromanship 101 and help get his wheels spinning back on the right track. Stifler on the other hand could be most at fault for this loss of dress game, and overall loss of dece. As the best bro, you have to be the one to confront the person in your clique who starts to get drawn into by some life-sucking she devil. Especially when you look at the situation he was in: The one dude was too busy doing yoga and dressing like that monk that let himself on fire in the street to protest something that wasn’t important,

Worst dress game in the league... what the hell are you wearing?

his other bro was freaking out over getting with Tara Reid, and I’m not talking about post-op Tara Reid, I’m talking about smoke-show pre-Van Wilder Tara Reid,

Tell me i'm wrong.

and then there is Jim who for some reason can’t get a knack for the foreign exchange chick, probably because a pocket dictionary was needed at all times to distinct what her annoying overseas voice was even talking about, the Stifmeister he had to step up.

The moral of the story being that if you need to drain every once of bro out of your body in order to get with a girl that’s a 6 at best… it is in no way worth it. Maybe he got the nickname Oz because he was hanging out with this girl, who resembles a witch from the movie the Wizard of Oz.

Oz... Come on dude. NO!

I mentioned weeks ago that George Parros is in the Bro Hall of Fame. Chris ‘Oz’ Ostreicher wins the award for the biggest bro that turned into the biggest schmo.

Bro Hard OU

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Mid Calf Reppin

This post is going to be short and sweet because it is a very simple subject that I just now realized that I am yet to cover. On broslikethissite.com , there is one post that he put on the website that just upset bros everywhere around the world. He wrote a post about ankle socks, and about how bros adore them. That could not be any farther from the truth.

If you turn on ESPN U and watch the rest of the NCAA lax tourney I can guarantee that you will not see one person not wearing mid-calfs, and if you do, he is probably also rocking ankle tape and a buzz cut. I hate how people say that if you play D-1 all dress game rules go out the window because they’re so sick – that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Dress game is everything.

The cardinal rule to mid-calfs is to make sure they are logo’d. I mean I even now and then have to rock a pair of un-logo’d mid-calfs that I bought at Wal-Mart because I am a broke college student that lives off of swipes and Ramen noodles. But if you are going out for a special occasion where your dress game has to be phenominal, you better be rocking some labeled mid-calfs.

Whether it be Nike or Adidas, the coordination from mid-calf logo to shoe game better be symmetrical. I honestly can’t handle seeing a kid in sick high top Adidas rock them over a pair of black Nike mid-calfs. It just doesn’t calculate.

It may be something small, but it is a huge piece of the bro puzzle. Nike on Nike, Adidas on Adidas, it is as simple as that.

Bro Hard OU

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Attitude Adjustment: Bromanship

Almost every aspect of exterioriety (like i said, I am allowed to make up words, get off me) that it takes to be recognized as a bro has been mentioned throughout this blog, and let me say first that I have been impressed with the uprise of throwbacks and midcalfs that have sparked around campus as compared to last year… obviously I’m taking full credit for that. But the one thing that a lot of people don’t understand is that being a true bro lies on the inside. It is all about the attitude that you carry about, not necessarily the ego that you carry around on your shoulder, although let me tell you at times it can get quite heavy, but more the ability to keep your head up as you walk up morton hill. < That’s confidence.

If you walked into a Starbucks and grabbed a random dude wearing a cardigan, some levi jeans and a pair of generic Timberlands laced all the way up (shouts to my roommate) and threw him in the dressing room with the basics of the bro attire… this would not automatically turn him into a bro. For example, if you have square wheels, you cannot simply go into Tire Factory and ask them for a hammer to hit the corners until they are round enough to turn over. Only about 25 people are going to understand that metaphor, and I can guarantee they understand what I mean. For the rest of you that havn’t hopped aboard the bro lingo train to this capacity, basically what I am saying is that you can not change a metaphor with a literal object. What you must do is look in the mirror and realize that the only one who can take the chip off their shoulder and feed it to a fat kid is you. We are just like everybody else, we wake up in the morning and put our pants on one leg at a time, except after that we brush our gorgeous locks, we head to the field and/or ice and make melodies out of snizzing bar down atleast a baker’s dozen times every couple of minutes.

It’s more than just being comfortable in your own skin, it is understanding that people are going to judge you no matter what and giving them a look that says, “what up bro, I know you’re trying to chirp me with your friends, but you’re going to the library, and I’m going to the bar, and since I played hockey in high school with the TA, I will still get a better grade than you.”

A lot of people think that bro’s are a bunch of no good, arrogant, self-centered, immature, long-hair having, throwback wearing, d-bags. I won’t even refute that, because the entire thesis of having this attitude is in no way caring about how you are perceived.

The best advice my dad ever gave me was this: “Always remember that when you’re in college, about 1 in every 3 people will genuinely dislike you; however, about 1 of every 3 people in college is an insecure tool.” < Smart man.

Bro Hard OU.

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Bro Hard for 8-Fest

If for some reason you didn’t know that 8-fest was this weekend, you need to get out of the shell you crawled inside and get ready to rage. This post will help you bro out to the fullest for 8-fest, because that one day is unlike every other, especially if the weather is poor, which is usually the case.

8-Fest is the one day where the dustier your dress game is, the more bro you will appear. We take pride on having a clean wardrobe for other fests and any other time being seen in public in general, but this is our day off, and we can get real wild with it.

Last year, I thought it was just another fest. So with that in mind I put on my purple and yellow #12 John Stockton throwback and hit the field ready to get rowdy with my bros, but when I showed up they were all stunned. “I can’t believe you wore that… it is going to get ruined.” Sure as schnitzel by the end of the day it was COVERED in mud, along with the $45 pair of adidas shorts I had on and $60 high-top adidas kicks I was stompin’ around in. The moral of the story is do not risk your most bro pieces of apparel. Keep it real dusty, because then you can go as hard as possible and not care about the mud. Last year, some jacked rando, whose sleeves apparently called in sick that day, approached me and simply said, “you’re going in that lake.” I turned and saw a man made lake of mud. Knowing my fate had been chosen by Macho Man Randy Savage here, I obliged. He generously gave me a 5 second countdown to get rid of my wallet, phone, and keys… Thanks buddy.

What he says goes... OHHHH YEAH

So here is what I recommend for the wardrobe if you want to set the bar as high as possible:

Kicks: I know a lot of us are on budgets, but I honestly recommend going to Wal-Mart and buying some EZ-Striders, or sneak into your Grandmothers house and take her pair. They are super dusty… but in the best way.

Oh yeah... We stay fly

Socks: I am a mid-calf guy until i die, but i’m sayin either go ankle or if you really want to get crazy, knee-high socks. When white midcalfs get tanked in mud it’s super difficult to get out, so put them on hold for Saturday.

Shorts: I wore white shorts last year, because I am an absolute idiot, don’t do that. Once again though, wear something you don’t mind if you completely ruin, because more than likely they’ll end up in the trash. Or steal a pair of your roommates shorts and say you have the same pair, because that’s just hysterical.

"These are my shorts tool-bag... get off me."

Shirt: Three words here… “Shirts Off Saturday.”

The Rest: I suggest you leave the shades at home, because those are probably going to get scuffed up somehow. I also completely ruined my yellow pirates hat last year… so I would let the flow rage (remember the rules of overflow are excluded for fests).

And remember bro’s… it’s a marathon not a sprint.

Oh that’s right we sprint marathons.

Bro Hard OU.

P.S. I’m on stage at noon with Ice Possible so get there early!

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Get Educated: The OU Bro vs. The Miami Bro

Okay I feel like there are some things that really need to be clarified and I have devoted my weekly Thursday post to really putting to rest the extreme fashion differences between a Redhawk bro, and a Bobcat bro.

First lets start with the Bobcat bro, which has been the topic I personally have been writing about for weeks now. When it comes to fashion, we are simple. Fresh kicks, mid-calfs, nice shorts, lax pinnie or throwback jersey, fresh pair of shades, hopefully a sick mustache, and a great head of hair. If you have been following my blog for the last few weeks, or seen me around campus once, you probably have a pretty dece idea of what the image we shoot for is.

Now let me interrogate the absolute opposite of us: The Miami Bro. They are not only our rival in athletics, but they are the bro’s ultimate fashion rival. One of my bros visited Miami last year to go visit his girlfriend, which to me is unbelievable that he stayed with her since she became a redhawk but that’s besides the point. Anyway, he walked into the party and was there for about 10 minutes, he told me that he didn’t really feel comfortable there because he didn’t know anybody, but being a good boyfriend, he chilled. Eventually he was approached by three kids, all who had more gel in their hair than the Jersey Shore house, and said that he wasn’t aloud to be in their house because he wasn’t dressed nice enough. He was in shorts and a t-shirt.

The Miami bro consists of a button down shirt, which he will probably tell all his friends that he worked a retirement home to afford it, but in reality his dad just feeds him his $1,000 a month allowance. An absolutely atrocious shades game, and the most generic pair of sperries you will ever find. The only thing we have in common with the Miami bros are sperries, but ours are fresher than Mr. Clean, where as theirs are dustier than a TV stand in the attic. It doesn’t end there though. They’re attempt flow will honestly but a true OU bro on the verge of tears… but then he will probably find his best bro, point at the kid and chirp him for days. Oh and sick visor too brah, nothing like tarnishing the name we earned.< Honestly the whole reason I was pissed Charl Schwartzel won the Masters this year… he wears a freakin’ visor!

Oh Charl... Tiger should have won, talk about a bro

In other news, Lebron James “apologized” to the city of Cleveland and said that the main reason why he left was that he knew he couldn’t beat the Celtics by himself… talk about the most un-bro statement in human history. If he got struck by lightning tonight, I would probably blare “Cleveland” by Machine Gun Kelly and just laugh. Makes me sick… LeBROAD James.

So please Athens Nation, the worst thing you can do is mistake us for a Miami bro. The main reason being, they walk around with an undeserved amount of accomplishment, whereas we go immensely hard in the paint, and get ours. Our what? That my friends, is up for you to decide.

Bro of the Week: Matt Borda, he is the kid with the 80 yard snizz to secure a win for the WCAC title, also featured on Sportscenter.

What's good Matt BROda?

Bro Hard OU

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How To Step Up Your Shades Game

First off, I want to say I was very impressed with the amount of throwbacks I saw out there for palmerfest and palmer place fest. I saw some good ones, I saw some bad ones, and I even saw two kids wearing toon squad jerseys, which I mentioned in an earlier post as being nothing short of saucy.

Today I want to focus on a topic that is commonly overlooked when it comes to the fashion life of a certified bro. By now, you own some throwbacks, snapbacks, and girls you meet are giving you call backs, but the shade game is often underestimated, and for all of you wondering if the pair of shades you roll up morton hill with every day is cutting it, this post should feed those cravings. Oh and by the way, if you are wearing aviators… it’s not.

First thing to consider is brand name, and pretty obviously, Oakley is the way to go, phenomenal selection, and a great place to make some custom shades, which can include anything from an argyle frame to an embroidered name in the lens.

Lets get to color coordinating, I have mentioned how crucial it can be if you can find a way to match, but not go overboard, your snapback with a nice pair of shorts and your throwback; however, when it comes to shades, they really can live a life of their own. When it comes to the color of the frame, we live for bright colors: vibrant greens, blues, and pink for those that can pull it off.

dece shades bro

Now we can move on to lens color, and the coordination between lens color and frame color is crucial to pulling it all together. They either need to be very similar, or completely opposite. With bro’n out shades, an absolute contrast works just as effectively as absolute symmetry. Take this picture for example:

Pretty fresh pair of Broakleys

Notice how the purple fade of the lens goes perfectly with the purple fade of the frame. It has been rumored that if you wear these pair of shades with a pair of cargo shorts, you will explode on the spot, not pass go, not collect $200, and be sent straight to bro hell. Now compare those with these:

Contrast = Beaut

Notice how instead of cutting into a tealish lense color with the teal frame, they fade back into a tangerine-like color and contrast dramatically. I’m really hoping someone that plays for the Miami Dolphins owns these, probably Ricky Williams to hide the fact his eyes are more glazed then an 8-pack of timbits at Tim Hortons.

The most important accessory however is yet to be discussed: Croakies. If you do not know what croakies are, then I feel like I have failed you as a writer. They are the attachment that you hook to the back of your shades so you can wear them around your neck. The benefits of these are not only will they not interfere with your flow, but they also allow you to stare deep into a broads eyes, and wheel, wheel, wheel.

The shade game can be a tricky one, but when everything comes together, it is an absolutely beautiful sight. Please bros, throw your aviators away.

Bro Hard OU.

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Bro Hall of Fame: George Parros

We’ve discussed flow on top of the dome, but now we need to discuss an asset that just ups you along the bro levels. It’s kind of like playing super mario bros 3 on NES (regular nintendo for all you kids that didn’t have a childhood), you can go through life slowly moving through the levels of bromanship without any type of facial hair, or you can have an unbelievably sick mustache and it is basically like flying atop the castle on world 1 to grab the flute and skip 3 worlds. One of many reasons why they were the super mario bros. This entire post is dedicated to the man who has for years been known for having the greatest mustache in professional sports: George freakin’ Parros.

Obviously, almost nobody will know who that is, but he is so bro that his mustache literally was half the reason he was in the NHL. Hell, when you put “George P” in google search, he is the 8th person on the list, behind household names like George Plimpton and George Pickett (who died over 130 years ago). He was super dusty when it came to skill level, such as shooting, puck handling, endurance, and defensive intelligence. But no one messed with this bro. Why? Not only is he one of the most notorious fighters in the league, but also because he is a 6’5″, 222 pound, Greek descending, beautiful flow having, disgusting mustache yielding Ultimate Bro. Oh and who says bros are dumb? Parros graduated fromĀ  Princeton with honors and wrote his senior thesis on the West Coast longshoreman’s labor dispute…

What?

He was recently tagged with the title of the 4th smartest professional athlete by Sporting News. Have I mentioned yet that he’s a fighter!? This guy gets paid to punch people in the face, and then he goes off on his yacht, with other men dressed in suits, eating only the finest caviar Europe has to offer, and discusses the financial trends of the last 25 years.

The myth behind his mustache is that when playing for the Avalanche in the show, he got chirped for shaving it, and he decided that he was going to not throw away the gift he received from the bro gods. Oh, and he even released a line of apparel called “stache gear” with all the proceeds going to charity. Oh, and you can buy Parros mustaches at the rink in Anaheim, where he currently plays, and all THOSE proceeds go toward charity. Oh, and every single christmas, he cuts his hair and donates it to locks of love. This guy is a fighter on the ice, and one of the most generous human beings off of it, and it’s not like he’s Ovechkin making millions of dollars a year. He makes just over $800,000 which is honestly pretty low for a professional athlete.

George Parros has 212 career fights in either the NHL or the AHL, postseason included.

The man, The myth, The legend... Who would ever want to drop with him?

It is for certain that when he retires he will never be on a ballot for the hockey hall of fame, but he will be a first ballot entrance into the Bro Hall of Fame. God Bless George Parros

Unreal Flow, Unreal Stache, 100% Bro

Bro Hard OU

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